Lou Milner - Humbug 2002

Merry Christmas Bah Humbug Happy Hanukah Out with the old 2002 and in with the new, blaa-blaa-blaa

another of Lou's almost-late

Christmas letters

I regret to say this year had fewer days than last, and as I result I was able to accomplish even less. How is that possible, you may wonder. And where is the appropriate spot for the question mark in the preceding sentence? Look, if I had time to insert question marks every time one was asked for, I'd have even less time to misuse doing other moderately important things. In fact, if I subtracted the time it took to ponder not only where the query should go, but also whether one was even needed, I would have considerably more time to engage in fewer activities. Consider, if you will, how much time could be saved and stored if punctuation were eliminated altogether. But what has this to do with Christmas? Precisely my point.

It just snuck up on us again. Virtually no warning - apart from the myriad ads, and thousands of people saying "So, are you all ready?" "Got your shopping done?" "Going away this year?" "No," "No," and "No." was my simple refrain. (Please try getting into the holiday spirit, as I did, by singing "no" to the tune of Jingle Bells. No-no-no, no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no. No-no-no, no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. Hey! And so on.)

Just thinking about monosyllables that way puts me in a musical mood, which naturally awakens the muse, who has just telepathed me with the following blip: Jack and the Cat learn to play the accordion. Please, "No!" (Must find new muse for 2003.)

Anyway, I suppose you want to know exactly what the old guy and his stupid bloody cat have been up to of late. Lots of little things, but the most significant has to be the construction of a plastic smoking room on the balcony. A truly ingenious addition designed to block out gale and downpour and previously unobstructed view. But how can I complain? Just seeing the two furballs out there shivering and smoking and meowing and hissing brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart. Really, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

Want more news about the Old Year before plunging into 2003? Without providing boring details, here are the highlights (in no particular order):

Started working for Renée part time. My job is to write help menus and documentation for her custom programs, and to keep business flowing steadily throughout the year, though the latter is really a matter of scheduling, as she already has more business than time. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tick-tick.
Met my newly discovered sister. "Downtown Shannan Brown" says to have a newly discovered half sister is dernier cri - the latest fashion (I looked it up). So for all of you who thought fashion had eluded me, you thought wrong. I have gained fashionableness through association - apparently it's in the genes. Now that is a surprise! Frances, the new sib, is a delight - and talented, too. Check her Web site some time (not now): www.franceslitman.com. And, she lives a mere four-hour drive from me, but to walk would take much longer.
Finally got the Web site updated, as you can see, and have big plans for more alterations. Check back periodically.
Changed my creative focus from screenplays to short stories and had a lot of fun writing Web-based companions for HOW TO Make Yourself Irresistible, the info-packed popularity-instruction manual, which is for sale on my site and a few places around town. I also had fun researching the manual. Turns out people love talking about what they do and don't find attractive in others. This year's creative focus, however, will be on non-fiction copywriting because nonfiction actually generates revenue.
Moonie, an accordion-toting, karaoke-singing, tap-dancing fool with whom I play tennis - when the sun shines, if it's not too hot - recently got a call from my soon-to-be-retired muse and lent me a baby accordion so that I can teach Jack and the cat how to play, after I have trained myself. I may skip myself and go straight to the cat, as the instrument fits rather too snugly in my chestal area; whereas the cat could wear it and have plenty of room to expand. Ah, yes, I can already see little Ciro's paws scratching nimbly over the keys whilst Cap'n Jack jigs to a spirited shanty. Can you envisage the two trudging down the dock, accordion box in tow, to annoy other salty souls? Already I'm jealous... Ah well, perhaps I should persevere - at least until I've mastered Blue Bird Waltz, the last song in "Book 1 of a Ten Book Method," which cost $1.50 in 1967. It looks hard, man. But I want to get to the end because on the inside back cover is an already filled-in certificate of advancement. I'm sure the name can be altered. What the heck, I saw Catch Me If You Can, and I have a razor blade. Maybe by this time next year, I'll be an accordion aficionado, an airline pilot, and a flourishing plagiarist.

Gee, it's going to be another half-full year. Isn't that optimistic of me? Anyway, cheers till next Christmas, which should be any day now.

P.S. For all of you who sent us cards this year and enquired about the size of "the hole." Let me just say this: Australasia.

P.P.S. Jack has just reminded me that the plastic on the balcony can be used as a sail, should he and the cat and the deck ever go adrift again. (Such a dreamer.)