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HOW TO

MAKE YOURSELF IRRESISTIBLE
(IN PLAIN BROWN WRAPPING)

These are the short stories referred to in the manual


From Chapter 1 (Let's Get Physical): The Story of P
They called him Porky because he was so thin. And also because that was his grandfather's name. Not that there was a tradition of naming one family member after another. There wasn't. In fact, the family had no traditions whatsoever, but with the arrival of Porky they saw an opportunity for the birth of a custom.
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From Chapter 2 (You Look Superb):

Mandy's Allegorical Quest for Life à la Mode
Mandy came from a family of nine children. She wished there had been only eight, and she not among them. How Mandy longed to be an only child. Alas, too late.
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From Chapter 3 (After You):

Everyguy - Some kind of morality play
Messenger: Okay, listen up. This is going to be a story about how if you want to end right, you better start right. Got it?
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From Chapter 4 (Thanks a lot!):

Notes on Nadia's unfortunate encounter with civility
Nadia goes to a funeral. Takes an inappropriate gift (an antique book entitled The Joy of Living). The corpse is gracious and doesn't say anything. Nadia comments on the corpse's attire and says he never looked better, more rested.
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From Chapter 5 (Interested Means Interesting): The Awakening
Agatha awoke one morning to find a lump inside her bed. Upon closer scrutiny, the lump turned out to be her own pink, fleshy self, whom she had deposited there the previous night. It was a disturbing realization, and all the more so when she discovered no one was going to fetch coffee and a newspaper and perhaps a roll with fresh peach preserves.
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From Chapter 6 (Wow!): The Rewrite
Luella Lacuna, a talented, willing, but undiscovered playwright of the screen variety, had no shortage of ideas. She had scripts coming out her gigglegog. They were everywhere: on her desk, at the dinner table, on the couch, on the floor, in her glove compartment, and in her noodle steaming to al dente. It occurred to her one day that no one would ever know what a great writer she was if she were to keep her talents to herself. And this is where her trouble began.

My friend Martin essentially said this story is one big cliché. He said slamming producers is old and tired. But honestly, and I mean this sincerely, I think the writer in this autobiographical story is much stupider than any of the producers. And I'm pretty sure it is a known fact that writers are stupider than producers. (Note to writers: I'm only saying that in case there's a producer reading this. I don't really mean it.)

(Note to producers: I really mean it. You are very, very smart.)

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From Chapter 7 (Be Healthy):

Confessions of a Woman-mad Madman
"I probably shouldn't be telling you this but I can't help myself. Once I open my mouth, I must speak. I've tried opening my mouth and not speaking but it causes me to swallow air and burp, and many people have told me speaking is preferable, especially if I've been eating fishsticks. I don't know why some people find fishsticks offensive...."
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From Chapter 8 (Look at You Now):

Getting to Know All About You
"Enough about me. What about you?" he said, like he really cared. I mean, I thought he really cared. So I started telling him. I was born in the south, and he thought I mean The South, so he interrupted to give me some cherished recipe for Cajun chicken, which, although it was tasty, was a tad too much on the poultry side for my liking.
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From Chapter 9 (Be in the Right Place):

Sunday Morning Clues
It was one of those great weekend mornings when she rose late, didn't bother to dress, brewed some chai, and picked up the Sunday Sun for an hour's read.
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From Chapter 10 (Have a Great Time):

Magic Specs (The Optimist)
Reata was a conundrum: one of those annoyingly optimistic people who always looked on the bright side of life, except when she was feeling low, in which case, she was more of a pessimist. But those times were rare.
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