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All rights reserved.
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Site art by Max Binger Jack and the Cat art by Graham Harrop
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HOW TO
MAKE YOURSELF IRRESISTIBLE
(IN PLAIN BROWN WRAPPING)
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These are the short stories
referred to in the
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Irresistible Short Stories
From Chapter 1 (Let's Get Physical):
The Story of P
They called him Porky because he was so thin. And also because that
was his grandfather's name. Not that there was a tradition of naming
one family member after another. There wasn't. In fact, the family
had no traditions whatsoever, but with the arrival of Porky they
saw an opportunity for the birth of a custom.
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From
Chapter 2 (You Look Superb):
Mandy's
Allegorical Quest for Life à la Mode
Mandy came from a family of nine children. She wished there had
been only eight, and she not among them. How Mandy longed to be
an only child. Alas, too late.
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From
Chapter 3 (After You):
Everyguy
- Some kind of morality play
Messenger: Okay, listen up. This is going to be a story about how
if you want to end right, you better start right. Got it?
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From
Chapter 4 (Thanks a lot!):
Notes
on Nadia's unfortunate encounter with civility
Nadia goes to a funeral. Takes an inappropriate gift (an antique
book entitled The Joy of Living). The corpse is gracious
and doesn't say anything. Nadia comments on the corpse's attire
and says he never looked better, more rested.
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From Chapter 5 (Interested Means Interesting): The Awakening
Agatha awoke one morning to find a lump inside her bed. Upon closer scrutiny, the lump turned
out to be her own pink, fleshy self, whom she had deposited there the previous night. It was
a disturbing realization, and all the more so when she discovered no one was going to fetch
coffee and a newspaper and perhaps a roll with fresh peach preserves.
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Chapter 6 (Wow!): The Rewrite
Luella Lacuna, a talented, willing, but undiscovered playwright
of the screen variety, had no shortage of ideas. She had scripts
coming out her gigglegog. They were everywhere: on her desk, at
the dinner table, on the couch, on the floor, in her glove compartment,
and in her noodle steaming to al dente. It occurred to her one day
that no one would ever know what a great writer she was if she were
to keep her talents to herself. And this is where her trouble began.
My
friend Martin essentially said this story is one big cliché. He
said slamming producers is old and tired. But honestly, and I mean
this sincerely, I think the writer in this autobiographical story
is much stupider than any of the producers. And I'm pretty sure
it is a known fact that writers are stupider than producers.
(Note to writers: I'm only saying that in case there's a producer
reading this. I don't really mean it.)
(Note
to producers: I really mean it. You are very, very smart.)
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more:
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From
Chapter 7 (Be Healthy):
Confessions
of a Woman-mad Madman
"I probably shouldn't be telling you this but I can't help
myself. Once I open my mouth, I must speak. I've tried opening my
mouth and not speaking but it causes me to swallow air and burp,
and many people have told me speaking is preferable, especially
if I've been eating fishsticks. I don't know why some people find
fishsticks offensive...."
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From
Chapter 8 (Look at You Now):
Getting
to Know All About You
"Enough about me. What about you?" he said, like he really
cared. I mean, I thought he really cared. So I started telling him.
I was born in the south, and he thought I mean The South, so he
interrupted to give me some cherished recipe for Cajun chicken,
which, although it was tasty, was a tad too much on the poultry
side for my liking.
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From
Chapter 9 (Be in the Right Place):
Sunday
Morning Clues
It was one of those great weekend mornings when she rose late, didn't
bother to dress, brewed some chai, and picked up the Sunday Sun
for an hour's read.
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From
Chapter 10 (Have a Great Time):
Magic
Specs (The Optimist)
Reata was a conundrum: one of those annoyingly optimistic people
who always looked on the bright side of life, except when she was
feeling low, in which case, she was more of a pessimist. But those
times were rare.
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